Humor

Times Readers Demand More Anti-Trump Content In Exchange For Hostages [Satire]

By Andrew Clavan

September 5, 2019

-The Daily Wire

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has announced a new editorial policy designed to deal with the "special problems and challenges of covering Donald Trump when we hate him so much he makes our scalps break out in hives."

Times Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third said he designed the new policy in response to reader insights and staff suggestions in the hopes that this would convince the readers and staff to return their hostages unharmed. Mr. Third made the announcement at a hastily called town hall staff meeting when he placed the policy inside a soda bottle full of gasoline, set it on fire, and then hurled it into the midst of swirling tear gas, then ran for his life.

According to Mr. Third the new policy will address the fact that covering the news in the Trump era presents a dilemma because "On the one hand, we have a journalistic responsibility to try to get at the truth of every story while on the other hand there is absolutely no possibility that we're going to do anything like that."

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YouTuber covers parents' Pittsburgh home in 60 miles of clear tape

A man whose YouTube channel is dedicated to covering various objects in tape took it to the next level by covering his parents' home in 60 miles of clear tape.

Jonathan Harchick, whose dry-humored Let's Tape It videos have been featured on Comedy Central's Tosh.0, says in his latest YouTube video that his parents asked him to watch their house while they were out of town for a few days.

"So, let's tape it," he says.

Harchick and a helper used more than 1,000 rolls of tape, totaling about 60 miles, to cover the house in clear tape.

The video ends with Harchick bringing his father home to admire his handiwork.

The prankster's dad seems more vexed than angry by the situation: "I don't want to be taped. I mean -- I just -- I have to pee."

Woman shoots drone: “It hovered for a second and I blasted it to smithereens.”

With a single shotgun blast, a 65-year-old woman in rural northern Virginia recently shot down a drone flying over her property.

 

The woman, Jennifer Youngman, has lived in The Plains, Virginia, since 1990. The Fauquier Times first reported the June 2016 incident late last week. It marks the third such shooting that Ars has reported on in the last 15 months—last year, similar drone shootings took place in Kentucky and California.

Youngman told Ars that she had just returned from church one Sunday morning and was cleaning her two shotguns—a .410 bore and a 20-gauge—on her porch. She had a clear view of the Blue Ridge Mountains and neighbor Robert Duvall’s property (yes, the same Robert Duvall from The Godfather). Youngman had seen two men set up a card table on what she described as a “turnaround place” on a country road adjacent to her house.

“I go on minding my business, working on my .410 shotgun and the next thing I know I hear ‘bzzzzz,’" she said. "This thing is going down through the field, and they’re buzzing like you would scaring the cows."

Youngman explained that she grew up hunting and fishing in Virginia, and she was well-practiced at skeet and deer shooting.

“This drone disappeared over the trees and I was cleaning away, there must have been a five- or six-minute lapse, and I heard the ‘bzzzzz,’" she said, noting that she specifically used 7.5 birdshot. “I loaded my [20-gauge] shotgun and took the safety off, and this thing came flying over my trees. I don’t know if they lost command or if they didn’t have good command, but the wind had picked up. It came over my airspace, 25 or 30 feet above my trees, and hovered for a second. I blasted it to smithereens.”

Read more HERE

You Can’t Make This Up! — Cop Caught on His Own Body Cam Stealing Pot from Police Dept

As the Free Thought Project pointed out many times before, police departments in America can legally discriminate against hiring individuals if their IQ is too high. Couple this with the fact that thieves aren’t always the sharpest tools in the toolbox, and you get the makings of a scenario like the one that unfolded in New Mexico last week. A Grants cop was caught on his own body cam stealing weed.

Grants Police Department Sgt. Roshern C. McKinney, 33, was arrested last week after an investigation found that he’d stolen both money and marijuana from the police department. McKinney has since been charged with marijuana distribution, conspiracy, and felony embezzlement.

State police also charged McKinney’s 23-year-old girlfriend Tanicka Gallegos-Gonzales, for drug distribution and conspiracy. Both were arrested in Albuquerque and booked into the Sandoval County Detention Center, according to KOB.

Public Information Officer for the New Mexico State Police, Elizabeth Armijo said Grants police chief, Craig Vandiver alerted state police after the department found video from Mckinney’s lapel camera that “exposed possible illicit activity by a Grants Police Department sergeant.”

Read more HERE

Mass evacuation at LAX caused by ZORRO!

An actor returning from an audition dressed as masked hero Zorro, complete with plastic sword, shut down LAX airport and sparked fear of an active shooter situation on Sunday night.

The unidentified, middle-aged black man dressed in an all black satin costume with gloves, hat and large belt was apprehended on a bench as he waited 'for a ride home'.

Police were initially responding to claims that a man had opened fire near a baggage reclaim, and set about evacuating thousands of passengers and grounding flights.

After a thorough search and the eventual arrest of the costumed man outside a terminal, LAPD admitted the entire incident was a false alarm.

'Report of shooting at LAX proven to be loud noises only no shots fired no injuries investigation continues to locate source', LAPD posted on Twitter. 

Read more HERE



 

Ontario teenager calls 911 saying she was ‘forced’ to go on vacation with parents

Police have issued a stern warning to an Ontario teenager who called 9-11 saying she had been forced to go on vacation with her parents.

Provincial police say a 15-year-old girl from Mississauga, west of Toronto, called the emergency line last Tuesday while at a rental cottage in Trent Hills, near Belleville.

Const. Steve Bates says that when officers arrived, the teen buried her face in her hands and said she didn’t want to be there.

He says the officers warned her it was not an appropriate use of 9-11 and left any further discipline to her mother, who had been unaware of the call.

Bates says such calls tie up police resources, which can affect the safety of others.

The girl’s name has not been released.

Source - Global News

Dog and dog owner injured in Victoria after cat attacks seven pit bulls

In a case of canine/feline role reversal, seven pit bulls were set upon by an aggressive cat Monday night — sending a dog and an owner for medical treatment.

The cat sprang out of a Gordon Head yard, said Kyla Grover, who was with the walking group called Pit Bulls of Victoria B.C.

“The dogs were walking by, completely minding their own business,” she said. “The cat just goes at all of the dogs, not backing down.”

The pit bulls and pit bull crosses were leashed and none of them fought back, Grover said. They just began barking after the attack began.

Del Thompson said the sight of all the dogs would have been intimidating for his cat, Baby.

“She’s a watchdog and doesn’t know it,” he said. “Cats and dogs don’t get along too well sometimes.”

Grover said the dogs didn’t know how to react.

Read more HERE

‘Catfish’ recap: Knoxville man thought he dated Katy Perry for six years online

When Knoxville man Spencer Morrill reached out to "Catfish" about being in a six-year online relationship with pop star Katy Perry, the show's hosts Nev Schulman and Max Joseph knew they would be in for an interesting ride.

The latest episode of the MTV series on Wednesday night detailed Morrill's journey from Knoxville to England to find out if he was really talking to the famous singer.

The show helps people who have been "catfished," which is defined as luring someone into a relationship with a fake online persona, find the catfisher.

After reaching out to Schulman and Joseph, Morrill told them about his relationship, saying that he was convinced it was Perry.

He communicated with the woman through email, text messaging apps and one phone call but had never seen her face to face.

When Morrill wanted to take their relationship to the next level, the woman stopped communicating with him, and he sought help from "Catfish" to meet her.

"It was an immediate connection. A million 'I love yous' back and forth. It was pretty cool," said Morrill as he described his relationship to the "Catfish" hosts. "I would like to meet face to face and see if there's a future here," he added.

The show's hosts agreed to help, but they were skeptical about Morrill's claims.

"Spencer nothing would make me happier than bringing you to meet Katy Perry, but I mean it's a real stretch," said Schulman.

"Would you like to find out with me?" asked Morrill.

Read more HERE

Police: Ohio Man, 35, Tried To Have Sex With A Red Van

Just when you think you have seen it all, a guy goes and allegedly tries tofornicate with a red van.

On Tuesday evening, cops in Dayton, Ohio received a 911 call about a man "pulling his pants down and swinging on stop sign," according to a Dayton Police Department report.

In a second 911 call, the witness told police that the suspect was attempting to have sex with the front grill of a parked vehicle.

The 911 caller reported that during the autoerotic encounter the suspect was seen "sticking his genitals in the grill of a red van at this intersection." The man subsequently "laid down and possibly passed out" before rising to begin walking in circles "like he is on some type of drug."

Read more HERE

Penis crushes pole vaulter’s Olympic dream

Never before has a member of the male species wished for a smaller manhood.

Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita will be ruing the size of his phallus after it caused him to foul during the qualifying rounds at the Rio Olympics.

Ogita was attempting to clear a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet) in group A of the first round of the pole vault, when his leg came in contact with the bar. As he began to drop back down toward the ground, his shin grazed the bar, causing it to wobble dangerously.

But it was his penis that delivered the final blow. Already unsteady, the bar was dislodged from its holdings when Ogita’s old fellow decided to make an appearance and slap the metal. The vaulter’s arm then collected the bar as it began to fall.

Video footage showed the crushing moment the 28-year-old was let down by his trouser friend.

Read more HERE

Police respond to women flinging dog feces at each other in neighbour dispute

BROCKVILLE, Ont. — Two Ontario women got some advice from police on neighbourly harmony after a dispute between the two neighbours saw volleys of dog feces being flung across the property line.

Police in Brockville, Ont., say the altercation started last Thursday when one woman found what she believed was her neighbour’s dog’s excrement in her yard.

They say the woman then threw the feces into her neighbour’s yard.

Police say the dispute escalated when the neighbour replied in kind, throwing handfuls of dog droppings back.

Then the confrontation got physical as the neighbours “grabbed hold of one another.”

Police say they gave the women advice on how to get along in future and suggested they stay away from each other.

Source - Canoe

PETA wants Eggs and Bacon Bay to change its name to something vegan-friendly ... no, seriously

Animal rights group PETA has taken exception to the name of a tiny Tasmanian community called Eggs and Bacon Bay, and has recommended it be changed to Apple and Cherry Bay, to promote a healthier, vegan diet. And it's not even joking.

"Obviously Tasmania is known as the Apple Isle and the Huon Valley produces a lot of apples and cherries, and we think it's a much better, kinder, compassionate and healthy name for this particular area," PETA Australia campaign coordinator Claire Fryer told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC).

"Considering the high levels of cholesterol and saturated fat in both eggs and bacon, the area might as well be called Heart Attack Bay. This name change could be just what the doctor ordered."

The group has reportedly written to the local Huon Valley Council requesting the name change, and the mayor said he's willing to consider the idea.

But it probably won't go over well with his constituents.

"These single-interest groups ought to go overseas and annoy the s--- out of ISIS," a local resident named Doug told ABC. "There's plenty of room in the world for them to go and annoy other people and leave us in peace."

The area apparently got its name from the colours of the wildflowers that dot the shoreline.

Source - Canoe.ca

Pirates fan lunging for foul ball throws plate of nachos in his own face

A Pittsburgh Pirates fan attempting to catch a foul ball ended up with something far messier -- a face full of his own nachos.

The spectator at Wednesday's game between the Pirates and the San Diego Padresat PNC Park in Pittsburgh was caught on camera standing and lunging to catch a foul ball hit by Pirates player Jung Ho Kang.

The man missed the ball, but ended up tossing his plate of nachos into his own face.

The fan's messy spectacle wasn't fully a waste -- the Pirates hooked him up with a free replacement T-shirt.

The team tweeted a photo of the man with his new shirt, a baseball and a plate of nachos.

 

Source - UPI

Man selling dead fleas on eBay for thousands

An Innisfil man will make several thousand dollars this weekend selling dead fleas on eBay.

The 10-day auction ends at midnight on Saturday. Current bid: $4,000.

These aren’t your average dead fleas though, and Steve White isn’t your average vendor.

The items up for sale are known as “Pulgas Vestidas,” or “Dressed Fleas,” a lost Mexican folk art known to have been produced between 1880 and 1926, White says.

Pulgas Vestidas are pairs of fleas usually decorated as bride and groom or farmer and wife. The details are impressive, given each flea is smaller than a grain of rice.

“In 1926, they stop being made ... nobody knows why,” White said. “The curious part is nobody knows exactly how they’re made or what material they’re made with.”

One theory has the items being made by nuns at a monastery in Mexico that burnt down in 1926, White says. 

Source - Canoe.ca

Police: Train Car Derails in Iowa, Hits Bar Called DeRailed

Police say a freight train car that derailed in northern Iowa rolled into and damaged a trackside tavern called DeRailed.

Police Chief Hugh Anderson says the accident occurred around 4 a.m. Tuesday as crews moved rail cars and changed connections in Charles City. He says it appears that the track separated and the grain car tipped about 45 degrees into the back of the bar.

Anderson says a patrol officer called him to say a train car had derailed into Derailed, adding that "it's not every day you get to say that."

No one was injured. The bar owner estimates damage at $10,000.

Charles City is about 140 miles northeast of Des Moines.

Source - ABC News

Report: Olympic kayaker capsizes after hitting a sofa


Pollutants may not be the only thing that get you in Rio's waters.

A Sky News reporter tweeted that an Olympic kayaker on a practice run capsized after hitting a sofa. The Olympic organizers are currently investigating.

It would hardly be a shocker if someone did encounter a rogue sofa. Photos of Guanabara Bay in the run-up to the Olympics showed all manner of trash and furniture in the waters. 

Best name ever? Aspiring Missouri politician Chief Wana Dubie sets sights on presidency

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Chief Wana Dubie’s dream of representing Missouri in the U.S. Senate has gone up in smoke.

The 57-year-old Dubie — his real name since 2007 — finished third among four contenders in the Democratic Senate primary Tuesday, garnering nearly 10 percent of the vote. Missouri Secretary of State Jason Kander will face Republican Sen. Roy Blunt in November.

Dubie, of rural Salem, previously failed in a bid for the Missouri House. Sporting a large forehead tattoo that started as a marijuana leaf, he ran his latest race on a platform advocating term limits and “100 percent legalization of marijuana.”

Dubie said Wednesday he’s impressed with all the votes — 30,340 — a “crazy-looking hippie like me” received, and now he’ll run as a write-in candidate in the U.S. presidential race.

Read more HERE